Roses In My Hand
by MG12CSI16
Summary: When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. Tiva songfic.


So this is a little songfic to John Mayer's Dreaming With A Broken Heart. It's really a beautiful song and if you haven't heard it I strongly recommend you go and give it a listen! Don't forget to leave a review, I love hearing what you think!

I don't own NCIS or the song, sadly.

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**Roses In My Hand**

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart _

_The waking up is the hardest part _

_You roll outta bed and down on your knees _

_And for a moment, you can hardly breathe _

The clock on the nightstand blinks six am. He's had another restless night, dreams haunt him and he wishes he didn't have to wake up. But he does and he slinks to the floor, because all of a sudden he can't stand to be in bed without her there. It's cold and empty, and no matter how many times he washes the sheets he can't get rid of her scent.

_Deep breaths_, he tells himself. His chest is heaving and his mind is spinning and he struggles to get a firm grasp on reality.

He wishes he didn't have to wake up, not because the dream was good per say, but because it was easier to live there than in reality, where he was alone and she was anywhere but there. In his dreams she would be lying beside him, and he could see her and touch her. In his dreams she spoke, softly and clearly and the sound is like a lullaby.

_Wondering, was she really here? _

_Is she standing in my room? _

_No she's not cause she's gone. _

_Gone gone gone gone _

She's gone, and he knows that. He watched her as she chose to leave him behind. It's been months, but to him time has crept by much slower, and it feels like it will never end.

_Maybe it won't_, he thinks.

She moved away, because she couldn't stand to be where he was, to see him everyday. She thought it was easy for him, but she's so wrong. She's probably met someone else, someone who will take care of her like he should have.

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart _

_The giving up is the hardest part _

_She takes you in with her crying eyes _

_Then all at once you have to say goodbye _

He remembers the day she left. Her eyes were wet with unshed tears and he knows she won't let them fall until she's out of sight. He's already tried begging, but it doesn't work and now he's facing defeat. No words seem to change her mind. She doesn't even acknowledge him when his lips trail down her neck and teeth gently nibble her ear lobe.

He's whispering in her ear, his hands are trailing down her body. He's almost crying, grasping at her hands and trying to make him see all he's worth.

"Ziva, please," his voice cracks and he curses under his breath. Her hand brushes his cheek, and she bites her bottom lip to keep herself from crying.

"Tony, I cannot stay somewhere where I am not.. Appreciated." She whispers. Those words are like a wake up call and he realizes he's the one who has driven her away.

"Zi, you are appreciated... You-" She shakes her head, and a tear rolls down her cheek. Her hand moves to wipe it away and he catches it, pressing her fingers against his lips.

But she just pushes him away, shaking her head and kissing his cheek before she leaves. He whispers a goodbye but the door has already closed and the only thing that's left of her is the lingering scent of her perfume and he wishes he had tried harder.

_Wondering, could you stay my love? _

_Will you wake up by my side? _

_No she can't, cause she's gone _

_Gone gone gone gone _

The next morning he rolls onto his side and reaches for her, but her side of the bed is made and the sheets are cold. He's angry and sleep is now the last thing on his mind. He goes to work and she's not there, but for some reason that doesn't surprise him and he ignores all the glares and accusing stares. He's already lost so much, and he finds it hard to care about anything else.

_Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? _

_And do I have to fall asleep, with roses in my hand? _

_Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? _

He would do anything, just to have her back by his side. In the field, at home, in their bed. He would do anything just to speak to her, to hear that voice that's as smooth as silk and sounds like a song. But there's nothing he can do, because now she's gone.

_And would you get them if I did? _

_No you wont, cause you're gone _

_Gone gone gone gone _

He wipes his tears and pulls himself up off the floor. Puts the picture of her that sits on the table face down, because it makes it easier when he can't see her. Her face is a reminder of everything he's not, and everything he could have been. He gets ready for work like he always does, except for the lack of bad singing in the shower and too strong coffee, stolen kisses and long car rides that aren't spent in silence.

_Keep breathing_, he reminds himself.

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart _

_The waking up is the hardest part. _

He comes home that night and walks straight to the bedroom. Laying across the mattress and burying his face in her pillow. Her scent has already faded but he still keeps it around, because it's a part of her that he can still hold onto. And finally he let's himself fall asleep, because his dreams are better than reality.


End file.
